Of Myths & Men: Excruciating Vulnerability

i had not one, but two, gentlemen tell me the exact. same. thing.

the knight question is more about guys' expectation of women more so than a woman's expectation. our society (see: rom-com) teaches guys that we should be knights in shining armor, regardless of whether or not you (you specifically and/or women in general) need/want that. soooo you're going to have to deal with that...

so, let's deal with that.

first, i cannot speak for all women
or claim a united voice,
i can only tell you my truth.

and my truth is this:
a man who is kind,
a man who listens,
a man who is vulnerable and honest,
that is the man i want to make me weak in the knees.
rom-coms be damned.

i can tell you that to see a man vulnerable is, at first, a scary thing.
it is scary in a way that is unnerving, unfamiliar, disruptive.
and that is on me.

the intensity of having someone be completely authentic
is unsettling because it forces acknowledgement of this truth:
"in order for us to tolerate imperfection and vulnerability in other people,
we have to be able to accept what is imperfect in ourselves."

let that sink in for a moment.

in order for us to tolerate imperfection in another,
we have to be able to accept what is imperfect in ourselves.

and it is this that makes vulnerability a scary thing.
we must face ourselves, a mirror.

and so we see the great risk.
the risk of being vulnerable.
of sharing everything, ourselves, and then
and then what?

fear? rejection? shame?

imagine,
imagine for one moment
imagine that you risk it. you risk it because you choose to,
because choosing not to is no longer an option.
you finally say this is me. here is my story.
imagine then that someone chooses you.
someone knows you and still chooses you as a friend, a sibling, a partner.

can you see how devastatingly powerful this can be?

in order for connection to happen we have to let ourselves be seen, really seen. we must have the courage to be imperfect.

before we are male and female, we are human.
above all, we are human.
and we need help along the way.

we may pretend that men shouldn't need this help.
we pretend because someone told us to, on the playground,
they told us that you guys would be strong enough, you'd never cry, you'd fight, you'd win.
so we went on pretending, believing a lie, making each other silly, causing each other pain.

but how unfair and unnecessary, and utterly wrong this is.
we are making it unacceptable for men to posses
fear, uncertainty, loneliness and need.

ladies and gentlemen,
before we are male and female,
we are human.
above all, we are human.

and vulnerability is something only the strongest of us show.

• Quotes and bolded phrases taken from Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability, which you should watch. 
• Post inspired by conversations with Jimmy & Rob, respectively. I realize you both are going to want to take as much credit as you can. So, beginning italcs taken from an email I received from Rob and editing advice taken from Jimmy.

Lessons from Her

my mom is not the sentimental type.
she's the tell-it-like-is and let's-be-super-practical type.

but being a mom?
loving her children?
this woman's there, both feet, all in.
can't complain about that.

here are a few things she's taught me along the way...

my mom, after 5 kids. geez.

1. there are those who love math. they're people too.
2. do whatever the hell you want after you get that liberal arts degree.
3. mini vans are incredibly practical.
4. if it makes sense, buy in bulk.
5. flowers may not last, but a new blender will.
6. decorum is overrated.
5. you can either have creative children or a clean house.
6. a dinner with family is where the best stories start.
7. you can potty train a toddler OR a dog, but not both, at the same time.
8. dancing is never wrong, especially if you're latin.
9. laughter saves us from the weight of overwhelming grief and insurmountable sorrow.
10. we survive so much more than we think we can.
11. true beauty is practiced by the soul.
12. there are those who have more and those who have less. you have what you have, so clean your room.
13. bookstores are sanctuaries, don't rush the process.
14. it's money well spent if you buy the pens you like.
15. if you're bored, do the dishes.
16. show your work.
17. do something that matters.
18. create.
19. share food.
20. drink tea.
21. stay warm.
22. read slowly.
23. make music.
24. let laughter.
25. tell the story.
26. write it down.
27. fight for truth.

Bliss Dance

Sometimes art is enough.

Bliss Dance by Marco Cochrane

Their Story: Kathryn & Drew

Kathryn is one of my many sisters and I think she's pretty cool.
So, when we she asked me to be in her wedding and maybe make a video, I said yes.

This is what I do when I'm not blogging.
I hang out in the woods in Virginia.

Fairy Tale Endings

So no knight in shinning armor? No fairy tale ending?

Uh, yea...

I don't want someone on a white horse to come and save me.
Fairy tales aren't really my jam.

I want someone in normal blue jeans who can look at me and say, "Shitty day? How about Thai food and a movie?"

Because you know what?

That'll be a man who does right by me.

Enough

I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

I hate that nagging feeling that you're not enough—
enough of this or that or it.

That feeling that you did something wrong or broke something fragile or simply made an ass out of yourself without knowing how.

To be sure, things are never always-simple. I know that. But it starts that way, these half-truths on the rainy days, bits of a story that is no longer. There are questions in the margins, notes scribbled with a pen, and we want it all to be the final published draft.

And, yes, sometimes I'm an ass, a perfectly inconsiderate 20-something hormone. I must say: I'm sorry; I'm a shit friend; you were right; sometimes I have horrible ideas. And other days I remind myself that perfection is not the goal, here. The story of being human, that's where we are. We're living it, creating it, being it.

And that—I'm pretty sure—that is enough.